Can the couple survive the infidelity? Yes, provided you allow yourself time and proceed with delicacy. The explanations of Sylvie Angel and Robert Neuburger.Christilla Pellé-Douël
It is very difficult to get out of infidelity, warns Robert Neuburger, who has seen hundreds of couples in his office. "What is experienced as a betrayal lasting traces, which deeply question the strength of the bond, he observes.Our sensitivity to infidelity has become very great, because contemporary couples are based on exclusive love and no longer on the constitution of a family, the meeting of interests or common values. "
Moreover, according to Sylvie Angel," all infidelities are not equal "." According to the history of each, a stroke of the pen in the contract may be less difficult to cash than an established relationship, "agrees the first, for whom" the worst of the worst "is to discover an affair with someone around the spouses. Yet, tempers the second, "it is always possible to get out of it, provided you do not victimize yourself all your life and make a fresh start". Here is, step by step, how to put the odds on his side.
Speaking ... but not too much
Once the rift has occurred, you have to pass the couple through a sieve of their common values, their wish to continue the journey together. By being sincere and admitting that both partners must question themselves. "Be careful that one of them, the one who has been deceived, does not pose in perfect person, warns Sylvie Angel.
The Unfaithfulness is always a symptom of a dysfunctional couple, even though we have not seen it coming. " To speak, yes, but not to ceaselessly brood over grievances. "It's sterile and exhausting, guilty and painful, for both," she says. To avoid: "The sleepless nights spent explaining."
Consult a therapist
It may sound like a boat, but consulting allows "to put the third party" so that everyone can express themselves, question the events in question and distance yourself. "It's about going out of the face-to-face, which is likely to turn into a settling of scores, to benefit from a space in which everyone is sure to be heard and his word will be taken. Sylvie Angel advises, and where, above all, the presence of the therapist will make possible another look at what has happened. "
Finding sharing and intimacy
" A crisis does not mean the rupture, reassures Sylvie Angel.But it is essential to find moments of sharing in the couple.By avoiding that they turn again to the discussion and the settlement of accounts: no restaurant, but rather the cinema or the ride in forest."It is also important to give back to intimacy, recommends the therapist," since it is she who was injured and she must be taken care of. "
Therefore, it is better to Abstain from talking too much about the crisis around oneself It concerns only the spouses Not the friends, and especially not the children However, it will be necessary to speak to them, by choosing well the moment and the words: "The children are sponges, says Sylvie Angel. Imagine that they have not perceived anything, when their mother has red eyes at breakfast or that their parents no longer speak, it is an illusion. But we must avoid making them confidants, even if they are great. "And know that the suffering is for the two people of the couple There is not a" monster "and a pure victim, but two adults who are going through a painful moment of their life.